When we moved to America, Chris and I decided
that one of us would work full-time and be the provider and the other would
stay at home. To date, we have a system that works for us. We felt it was important enough for us to be
at home when the kids left to school and when they came home. At one time, all 5 of the children were in
elementary school and they would traipse off through the Laie shortcuts waving
their goodbyes. I felt that just getting them off to school fed, clean and
together was a huge accomplishment. There were many times that one income saw
us squeaking by with pennies to our name. I have never been ashamed of being poor and it
was just the way things were with one income.
We had to do without a lot of niceties and extras but I had the luxury
of being able to be a mom to my children. I remember with great tenderness that
as difficult as it was to live on one income, I loved seeing them sleep in one
king size bed in our little 2 bedroom home. I loved knowing their homework was
done. I loved being able to make it to all of their activities, assemblies, and
meetings. I made a commitment that I
would not go back to work full-time until our youngest was in first grade. I
did teach adjunct while they were in school and I don’t regret at all that time
when I was there for them.
However, as soon as they settled into school, I remember
getting antsy again to get back into my career. I felt that I had moved into
another phase of my life and sought out opportunities to work. The first month
I went back full-time I went through a full-on separation anxiety funk.
Something happened in my mind and heart and as fulfilled as I was in creating
and building my career, I felt like I was dropping the ball as a mother. We made it work as best as we could. I would
juggle being there for PTA meetings, recitals, plays and all of their
activities but I started to envy the women who didn’t have to juggle their
schedules to be there for their children.
I began to resent my having to work full-time even at many points
blaming it on Chris as to how and why I was the now the primary
breadwinner. Looking back I can’t imagine
our lives being any different. We went through a lot of growth as a family. I
know now that we did the best we could but I dilly dally back and forth between
wanting to be at home for the children and fulfilling my life’s purpose at
work. To date, I’m proud of the times I
balanced both hats but quite frankly, there were plenty of times I fell short
in both roles. Now I chide many of my
friends who have the luxury of staying at home. They can take in the park, pool
and shopping at leisure and fill their days with projects I wouldn’t even have
time for. There’s a little bit of envy towards them in that respect. And yet
there are many of my other friends who have full-fledged careers, ambitious,
doing great as the breadwinners, and really doing it all – the whole enchilada
of family, children, church, school and work.
It works for me. I like being in demand and I like being needed on both
fronts. I’m proud of the role I fill as a career queen. Just like the early
days, I seek for satisfaction. Back in the day, satisfaction came in the form
of completed laundry, a clean house, kids homework done, a meal cooked and
happy kids. Today, that same fulfillment
has taken on a different form. In addition to the things that I used to do that
made me happy, I’ve tacked on work accomplishments. Some days I feel like I
should be flaunting my “super” cape and some days I am lucky if I don’t get
committed. When I was a stay at home
mom, I gave it my all and miss the days when the kids were so dependent and my
home was my kingdom. As they have grown
older and less dependent, I find myself diving into work as a way to fill some
of the gaps I left behind when I could stay at home.
I still wrestle with the guilt of being a career queen even
though I love where I am and what I do. One instance that comes to mind that was life
changing was when my 8 year old son
called my secretary and asked to make an appointment to see his mom because he
hadn’t seen me in days. That was a time when we owned our own business, I
taught adjunct and worked full-time. At the time it was like a knife in my
heart. All he wanted was time but all I heard and felt was that I was a
miserable failure of a mother who pleased everyone but the one little man who
meant the most to me. Another instance
was just recently when my twins left to MTC, I finally got around to cleaning
their rooms. In the process I found their journals and skimmed through some of
their entries. Their heart revelations covered some of the good but what jumped
out to me as if in neon were the little sentences that said I was always too
busy or that my job took up too much time and I was happier at work. Both of these times really turned the screw and
upped the hurt. I am trying to do the
best that I can the best way I know how. I’ve resolved the guilt that comes with
having to leave the children. I won’t lie and understate how thrilled I am to
be in a job that I love where I’m doing great things amongst great people but a
small part of me still wishes I had the leisure of the life at home. I may
never get everything done on my list as I try to do it all but take great pride
in the little things I do get done. Would
I rather be a career queen or a stay at home diva? I like that I can do great
things in both roles. I like that I can learn how to balance both and there is
no cut and dried manual as to how to win in either OR both roles. Instead of whining about what I don’t have or
can’t do on either side of the fence I’ll just take what I’m great at in both
roles, work it, applaud it and try to do better.
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