Career Queen or Stay at Home Diva?

There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t mull about what it would be like to go back to the days when I was a stay at home mom.  

When we moved to America, Chris and I decided that one of us would work full-time and be the provider and the other would stay at home. To date, we have a system that works for us.  We felt it was important enough for us to be at home when the kids left to school and when they came home.  At one time, all 5 of the children were in elementary school and they would traipse off through the Laie shortcuts waving their goodbyes. I felt that just getting them off to school fed, clean and together was a huge accomplishment. There were many times that one income saw us squeaking by with pennies to our name.  I have never been ashamed of being poor and it was just the way things were with one income.  We had to do without a lot of niceties and extras but I had the luxury of being able to be a mom to my children. I remember with great tenderness that as difficult as it was to live on one income, I loved seeing them sleep in one king size bed in our little 2 bedroom home. I loved knowing their homework was done. I loved being able to make it to all of their activities, assemblies, and meetings.  I made a commitment that I would not go back to work full-time until our youngest was in first grade. I did teach adjunct while they were in school and I don’t regret at all that time when I was there for them.

However, as soon as they settled into school, I remember getting antsy again to get back into my career. I felt that I had moved into another phase of my life and sought out opportunities to work. The first month I went back full-time I went through a full-on separation anxiety funk. Something happened in my mind and heart and as fulfilled as I was in creating and building my career, I felt like I was dropping the ball as a mother.  We made it work as best as we could. I would juggle being there for PTA meetings, recitals, plays and all of their activities but I started to envy the women who didn’t have to juggle their schedules to be there for their children.  I began to resent my having to work full-time even at many points blaming it on Chris as to how and why I was the now the primary breadwinner.  Looking back I can’t imagine our lives being any different. We went through a lot of growth as a family. I know now that we did the best we could but I dilly dally back and forth between wanting to be at home for the children and fulfilling my life’s purpose at work.  To date, I’m proud of the times I balanced both hats but quite frankly, there were plenty of times I fell short in both roles.  Now I chide many of my friends who have the luxury of staying at home. They can take in the park, pool and shopping at leisure and fill their days with projects I wouldn’t even have time for. There’s a little bit of envy towards them in that respect. And yet there are many of my other friends who have full-fledged careers, ambitious, doing great as the breadwinners, and really doing it all – the whole enchilada of family, children, church, school and work.  It works for me. I like being in demand and I like being needed on both fronts. I’m proud of the role I fill as a career queen. Just like the early days, I seek for satisfaction. Back in the day, satisfaction came in the form of completed laundry, a clean house, kids homework done, a meal cooked and happy kids.  Today, that same fulfillment has taken on a different form. In addition to the things that I used to do that made me happy, I’ve tacked on work accomplishments. Some days I feel like I should be flaunting my “super” cape and some days I am lucky if I don’t get committed.   When I was a stay at home mom, I gave it my all and miss the days when the kids were so dependent and my home was my kingdom.  As they have grown older and less dependent, I find myself diving into work as a way to fill some of the gaps I left behind when I could stay at home. 

I still wrestle with the guilt of being a career queen even though I love where I am and what I do.  One instance that comes to mind that was life changing was when my 8  year old son called my secretary and asked to make an appointment to see his mom because he hadn’t seen me in days. That was a time when we owned our own business, I taught adjunct and worked full-time. At the time it was like a knife in my heart. All he wanted was time but all I heard and felt was that I was a miserable failure of a mother who pleased everyone but the one little man who meant the most to me.  Another instance was just recently when my twins left to MTC, I finally got around to cleaning their rooms. In the process I found their journals and skimmed through some of their entries. Their heart revelations covered some of the good but what jumped out to me as if in neon were the little sentences that said I was always too busy or that my job took up too much time and I was happier at work.  Both of these times really turned the screw and upped the hurt.  I am trying to do the best that I can the best way I know how. I’ve resolved the guilt that comes with having to leave the children. I won’t lie and understate how thrilled I am to be in a job that I love where I’m doing great things amongst great people but a small part of me still wishes I had the leisure of the life at home. I may never get everything done on my list as I try to do it all but take great pride in the little things I do get done.  Would I rather be a career queen or a stay at home diva? I like that I can do great things in both roles. I like that I can learn how to balance both and there is no cut and dried manual as to how to win in either OR both roles.  Instead of whining about what I don’t have or can’t do on either side of the fence I’ll just take what I’m great at in both roles, work it, applaud it and try to do better.  

The Beginning of That Long Awaited Blog

People have been asking me to put together a blog.  Years ago I was cast in a high school rendition of My Turn on Earth and the song I had to learn was about writing my own story.  I've been dragging my feet and am now playing with the idea because I need a space to jot down everything I think, feel and want to write about.  I'm the one that gets to write my own story. I've always been a journal keeper and so this also gives me license to record for my own posterity snippets and stories.  So for the first entry, if you aren't on my Facebook where I divulge everything but the kitchen sink, I'm going to try and put into a nutshell who I am, what I value most and why following this blog might be interesting. 

First and foremost I am Chris' wife. I take great pride in being his wife. It is my second go around into wife-dom. If it is possible to be married twice to the love your life than I've lucked out both times.  It's been a marvelous experience to be married to two completely different men. Vaughn was my first love and gave me every single romantic dream I could ever hope for.  He was simple humility, courageous love and such a beautiful soul. We were married for three and a half years before the savage cancer took him from me. His legacy can be seen quite clearly and lovingly in the lives of our three daughters Vaunelle, Meleane and Marie. It is so amazing at how life's twists and turns make this mortality so interesting.  We have some great memories and often I will refer to them as a way to keep them alive for me and for our daughters. When the girls were babies, and after Vaughn passed away, I moved to Tonga and met Chris. One of these days I hope to write about the experience of caring for Vaughn as he finished his work on earth. It is very personal and very sacred and was one of the defining moments of my life. I fought Vaughn until the day he died as he would try to "talk" about what would happen after he passed away and how I would move on. He promised me, and I held him to it and saw it happen, that he would find a way to ensure I would be happy. How true that promise was when I met Chris. They are without a doubt night and day in terms of personality, likes, habits, and the way they love.  The one common thread is an abiding, true, and faithful love for God. I knew this on first impression with Vaughn and immediately felt it when I first met Chris. I joke about getting into the gates of heaven by just saying, "I'm with them!" I'm a huge networking guru and shmoozer - this is the biggest "get" to date.  I love them both so deeply and have become the best of me because of them. Second I am the proud blackhawk helicopter mother of 5 beautiful children: Vaunelle, Meleane, Marie, Kuulei and Chris. They are my heart's joy! Third, I am sister/teacher/friend to so many others. My relationships are very important to me and they make me feel alive. 

I'm also an old soul in many ways. There's a little bit of crazy, OCD, over controlling, super organizing freak-a-zoid in me and I am working on all of my odd bits.  I am always classifying things and for this instance I put what I value most into the "absolutely love" "kinda like" "obsessed over" "working it" "will consider" categories.  I love the gospel with all my heart. It means everything to me. It brings me great fulfillment and ultimate joy. I find my bearings, my hope and my spiritual footing when I am aligned with the gospel. That doesn't mean I'm fanatic and it certainly means I'm far from perfect and anxiously engaged in trying each day to do right by Him, and my children because if there's one thing I know for sure - it is the true constant despite the many hiccups, trials and changing circumstances.  I absolutely adore my 5 children. I must have done something really good to have been chosen to be their mother. When I look at their lives and the joy they have brought into my heart and life, I cannot describe how blessed I feel.  You'll hear much about the ups and downs of mothering and the pains of mistakes as well as the scores when I feel like I've achieved something magnificent in my own universe.  Most who know me know I have a little obsession with Dwayne Johnson, good food sampling and heels. I've had celebrities to meet on my bucket list and The Rock is someone I have yet to meet. I love his rags to riches story and the poly connection makes him more relevant to me than someone like Bill Gates. I kinda like window shopping, watching movies, kettle corn and obsessive cleaning, writing and speaking. As for the working it category, perhaps this quote puts it best "everything you touch turns to gold!" It's not me tooting my horn - it's just the way I am, work, function, think, will be and succeed. I am always telling my students that if you can find your place in this world doing what you love best what you are best at with the best of them than you have really got the Midas touch. Finally, I will consider being more patient as I recover, being less demanding on people around me, rising from illness, disappointments and personal failures, and just to keep things exciting...maybe consider travelling outside of my comfort zone preferably to the glass bottomed resorts in Tahiti.

So follow along if you will. I make a huge disclaimer and say up front, I don't know it all but I feel it all. This is just me, my safe space and the one part of my universe I can write about.  I will write about everything and anything. Hopefully some of it may be relevant, inspiring, funny, hopeful, heartbreaking and real.